Its been awhile...

I cant believe it has been over a year since I have written anything, I am still stuck in the hard spot of not loosing any weight and now being really depressed. Life is just getting so hard and overwhelming, I am so tired of going to work and dealing with people who get joy in bringing others down and management who think it is OK to treat people like we don't have feelings. I really hate going to work I just don't like dealing with the negativity and with my life already being so hard to live this just makes it so much worse.
I really need to snap out of it I need to find the positivity in my life again, I am so blessed and lucky to have an amazing husband in my life and a few friends that really do care about me.
I went to Thailand in April and it really showed me that I can live with a lot less, that trip was so life changing and I cannot wait to go back. We would like to move there I think that it would be really hard to leave my family but I think it would be so rewarding in the end.
I am hoping that writing will help me figure some things out because I really want to be happy...


see you soon!

PCOS...

I was reading and they said you should write about having PCOS and what it means to me and things..
So I have PCOS (Polly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) The symptoms I have are very lame.. I have a really hard time loosing weight but definitely not gaining... I am always extremely tired, I get depressed easier then most, I have thick darker hair on my body.. I don't ovulate like normal females.... you name the problem that is associated with it and I have it. It has been a struggle for many years with self image. I became anorexic so guys would notice me and they did... then I fell in love and it was not only with Chucky it was with food.
There is something really weird in my head where I talk to my inner monologue a lot... I am very good at making excuses and talking myself out of things... or into things.
I again have stopped my diet and for no apparent reason and trying to get back on the wagon is not an easy task. I have contacted an acupuncturist and I think I am going to start doing that this upcoming week. I really hope that it will do something for me!
I need to start making the time to figure me out, I spend so much time thinking about work and it is time to start thinking about Chucky and I and what we want out of this life...
I am excited to go on vacation and I plan on doing a lot of soul searching, and planing what works for me. So wish me luck and I will try to get back into writing my journal so I can track what I do not just in my head but on paper... well not paper but you know!
<3

... UGH.... one of those days...

So today started out good I found a new scale and I went to my sisters house and played w/ my nephew and Bella and watched my friend Kam get belly shots... then I came home and I found out my sister is pregnant.... again... It is just so hard she already has two kids that are a handful and she is pregnant again and yet I am still not. It just suck I have nothing I have no career, I don't own a house, I cant have kids, I cant afford to adopt... I just hate living life sometimes and right now is one of them... I am so numb...

Today is the day... day 8

So I havent written in awhile but I am back!! I had a really stressful weekend :/ I dont know what is wrong with me but I am having problems with my scale one day I am way up the next way down... or the oppisite. I dont know what to do it is so frustrating. Life has been good lately I had the best Chicken for dinner tonight I cant believe how much I ate... But I had no rice or anything else w/ it just cucumber! We will see what the scale says tomorrow... TATAA

Today is the day... Day 5

Too tired to write today had a good day got a lot done worked my buns off in the gym. Feelin accomplished!

Today is the day.... Day 4

Today was my day off and it was great!! I got to relax and go to the gym for the first time in FOREVER.. I worked my tush off on the elliptical and I am feeling great I am so excited for this summer to see how hot I am!!! Honestly even if I am not hot but at least a size 14-16 I will be stoked! Man I can feel it now and it feels GREAT! So today Chucky made some AMAZING beef and broccoli it was so good... but I just wasn't that hungry today I ate my egg in the morning and snacked on some cheese this afternoon but just not that hungry so I didn't eat too much of what he made, and after the gym I had cottage cheese w/ macadamia nuts.... I don't know what happened to my appetite but I am ok with it! I need to go thru the house again everywhere I turn seems to be a evil carb from Chucky's birthday or from me not caring what I ate... So I got to give myself props for not eating it even tho I was SO tempted! Well have a good night I know I am going to!

Today is the day... Day 3

So today was not a good day... I had a stiff neck the whole day I took some medicine for it and I got really nauseous and to top it all off I got my review (surprise review) which was a slap in the face :( I work a lot harder then they gave me credit for and I am pissed.
Today was a really hard day for me especially since I am an emotional eater (of the bad stuff). I was so upset about my review and my stiff neck I couldn't even eat. I am just glad I have tomorrow off because I really need to re-evaluate things.
I do want to mention tho my dinner from last night was AMAZING!!! OMG it was good! I was so upset that I was upset that I couldn't eat it again tonight for dinner because I lost my appetite :( but I am sure I can have it tomorrow!! Well that is all I have for today I am going to bed I am upset...