Today is the day... Day 5

Too tired to write today had a good day got a lot done worked my buns off in the gym. Feelin accomplished!

Today is the day.... Day 4

Today was my day off and it was great!! I got to relax and go to the gym for the first time in FOREVER.. I worked my tush off on the elliptical and I am feeling great I am so excited for this summer to see how hot I am!!! Honestly even if I am not hot but at least a size 14-16 I will be stoked! Man I can feel it now and it feels GREAT! So today Chucky made some AMAZING beef and broccoli it was so good... but I just wasn't that hungry today I ate my egg in the morning and snacked on some cheese this afternoon but just not that hungry so I didn't eat too much of what he made, and after the gym I had cottage cheese w/ macadamia nuts.... I don't know what happened to my appetite but I am ok with it! I need to go thru the house again everywhere I turn seems to be a evil carb from Chucky's birthday or from me not caring what I ate... So I got to give myself props for not eating it even tho I was SO tempted! Well have a good night I know I am going to!

Today is the day... Day 3

So today was not a good day... I had a stiff neck the whole day I took some medicine for it and I got really nauseous and to top it all off I got my review (surprise review) which was a slap in the face :( I work a lot harder then they gave me credit for and I am pissed.
Today was a really hard day for me especially since I am an emotional eater (of the bad stuff). I was so upset about my review and my stiff neck I couldn't even eat. I am just glad I have tomorrow off because I really need to re-evaluate things.
I do want to mention tho my dinner from last night was AMAZING!!! OMG it was good! I was so upset that I was upset that I couldn't eat it again tonight for dinner because I lost my appetite :( but I am sure I can have it tomorrow!! Well that is all I have for today I am going to bed I am upset...

Today is the day... day 2

So it started out GREAT... seriously I felt alive I am like I this is going to be good... AND I DID GREAT!!! I made it thru the whole day of work I gave away my bag of licorice and watched them eat it.. yes it was super hard but I did it!! I fell fabulous making thru my first day at work.
I was really excited for my lunch Chucky made some AMAZING burgers last night and I saved one for lunch w/ some bacon and asparagus.... I felt spoiled! Tonight we are having bbq chicken and cauliflower mashed potatoes :D I am so excited I just cant hide it!! but then I went to walmart to buy some charcoal and all I saw was crap... cookies, candies, chips, crackers, candy, candy, CANDY.. OMG I am like what is with this place... lol but I said NO and made myself proud!!

I also got a text from a friend and she is asking me to be her accountablity partner that is awsome! I cannot wait to do this with her we are going to ROCK THIS!!!
Day 2 success =)

Today is the day...

So I decided this year that I was not going to start dieting UNTIL after Chicky's birthday and Valentines.. Mostly because I hate failing and it would be a guarantee fail if I did it any earlier then today! SO I am ready.. I feel good about it. I cant wait to feel better and I have been having dreams about being a work-out fanatic~ My goal for this year is to be able to run. I have two friends both named Julie who are runners and I totally admire them.

I wish for myself to become healthy and to feel good about myself. I miss being able to sleep w/ out all the issues I have and to be able to be comfortable in the clothes I wear. I just want to be happy and I havent been in a long time.

I am going to go w/ a low carb diet because I know carbs are my enemy and that is where I always screw up and overdose with. I dont think I am going to follow any specific diet because I have tried that and it is so much work having to make sure I am doing it correctly. I have done ENOUGH diets I know what I should and shouldnt do so I am going to try this with out the stress of people or books telling me I am doing it wrong.

I want to join the gym so I hope that I am able to do that. I do have a treadmill at home but Bella doesnt allow me to be on it cause she thinks it is attacking her or something she barks so loud that it is very distracting! I think we are going to go out and take her for a walk.

Well that is all I have I am going to be back more often now that I am starting this new step in my life!!

Getting ready....

So the New Year is coming and I am getting ready for the new me... It is time to clean out the fridge and cupboards of all the crap that I don't need and that we have received as presents from the holidays...
I need to get over being sick so that I have more energy... I am so glad that work is going back to normal hours and I will be able to concentrate on things that are important like myself and my family!
It is time to start setting goals and how I plan on achieving them!

1. Clean the kitchen out
2. Pre-planning: grocery shopping, meals, and exersize
3. Keep writing in my journal...
4. Remember to keep myself happy
5. If I make a mistake it is ok to start over
6. Not to punish myself and then just give up
7. Celebrate the small things
8. Get organized, try harder at least =)



Wish me luck I have 4 more days to get ready, but come the first I am going to put my game face on and face the music. I have 1.5 years before I am 30 and I dont want to look like this when I am 30.

Deciding to start over... REMEMBERING

My name is Antonia and I am 28 years old. I have been married for 7.5 years and together for almost 10! We have been trying to have a baby for the last 5 years and 4 years ago I had a miscarriage.
I have tried so many different diets and failed I just couldn't keep it together or keep paying for food that wasn't helping me any. I love food and I know that I am addicted to it. My husband is very loving and doesn't care what I look like or that I am extremely over weight, he just loves me for me.
Let me explain the last 8 years of my life to help me get them off of my chest. My husband lived with my parents and I because he had no where to go, we knew we wanted to get married and we wanted a big wedding, but I wanted to start school so we decided it is time since my dad made too much for me to get a grant (even tho he just got laid off/ retired). We wanted a big wedding and to have friends and family come but on our income we just couldn't afford it, and we got married at a small house by the Rose Quarter in September 28th 2002. Not at all my dream wedding, someday we will make our Dream wedding!

After we got married we decided to have his brother move in with us because he had no where to go and him being family of course we were going to take him in...

It was our mistake I cant remember now how long it took but it wasn't too long into our marriage right after I started school, my husband and his brother started to do meth. He would not come home and when he did it wasn't for long. I didn't know what was wrong with me why he wouldn't stay with me why he didn't love me more then he loved his brother. I didn't know what to do, I got so stressed and so confused I just didn't know how to function. I got into such a depression it was making everything in my life difficult to deal with. For the first year of my marriage I had to sleep mostly by myself and I had to walk home from school events. I will never forget the many many times I had to find a ride home somewhere or to have my mom come and pick me up or take me to go find him. I will never forget having to call looking for him and having people pick up the phone and tell me things of what he and his brother were up too.

I just knew that Chucky was a good person who just was confused and didn't have a great up bringing and needed some guidance. Almost a year went by and he lost his job for not showing up or getting into a fight with someone or something. It was right before my 22nd birthday and we had to move back in with my parents. I will never forget listening on the phone with my sister and my mom and she was saying all these horrible things about him and saying I should separate with him, that broke my heart. Now I understand where she is coming from but the words to this day is still in my head and it still hurts. Not because she said them but because she was right. He finally came back, a week after my birthday, I gave him the ultimatum of me or his brother. I am so grateful he chose me!

A few years went by and we were doing good, it took me about a year to get over.. not get over just moving on.

I found out I was pregnant in November of '05 and life was good! I couldn't wait to tell him we were having a baby! I remember the day I found out me and my sister in law were out shopping and we just got out of the car and I found out and I remember crying because I was so happy and I couldn't wait to tell Chucky! I think I waited a few days to tell him and we went to a restaurant and I bought him some gifts to let him figure it out! Chucky being a guy.. yeah he didn't quit understand the diaper, the bib and it took the pregnancy test to have him realize that I was pregnant!! We wanted to tell our family for Christmas!

The week of Christmas I was visiting my parents I was so exhausted I took a nap and all I remember was Chucky telling me his mom was out of prison (it isn't my business to say anymore then that.) and I was so upset because of the baby and I fell back asleep and a little while later I woke up cramping and bleeding.. (It is still hard when I go to my parents house to see that room, I remember every time I go) I was freaking out and my poor parents didn't understand why I was freaking out so I ruined the surprise that I was pregnant and I got rushed to the hospital. I had an ultra sound and I was able to hear the heart beat and life was amazing. Christmas came and I told everyone the surprise they were all so happy they new how much Chucky and I wanted a baby and it was the BEST surprise I could of ever asked for!

The New Year came and I couldn't wait for my first doctors apt. I had to cancel the first one for some reason I am guessing because I didn't have a ride. While I was getting ready for my new apt I remember cramping and not knowing what to do... then it happened I remember feeling blood gush out of me and big pieces of flesh or something coming out it was horrible and I was so scared Chucky was at work and my mom rushed over to my house and took me to the hospital.

I will never forget what I went thru the feeling of me knowing I was loosing the one thing in life I have always wanted, even as I write this I remember and I cry I am still not over it. I remember being in the hospital and my sister Andrea coming in to be there with me and Chucky coming from work scared and crying and my mom staying by my side the whole time. I remember the pain. I remember the doctors asking me if it looked like hamburger meat, and not being able to eat hamburgers for over a year... I remember the doctor telling me what was happening and them telling me that they are going to go in and do a D&C. I remember being so alone even tho I had my family there, I remember them asking if I wanted to stay the night and I didn't because all I wanted to do was to sleep in the bed with my husband. and that is what I did...

The next summer my husbands mom and brother came back into town to pick up a truck and his brother stayed behind so he could be with Chucky for awhile since it has been so long. I know what was I thinking letting his brother come after what he did.. Well I have a soft heart and I know my husband loves his brother and I wanted to just try one more time... big mistake.. they went to the same habits and I had to take the bus home from downtown in the middle of the night after getting off of work and having to stay home by myself. I remember having to go thru his phone and calling the cops on the guys house that they were hanging out with and having to go find our car and having to pretend I was friends with this skanky whore just to find help.. I spent my 25th birthday looking for him that was my sisters present to me since I didn't drive... I remember driving everywhere and getting so sick it was so hard to concentrate or to function. I remember going to her family restaurant and her telling me Chucky isn't happy with me and he doesn't want to be with me anymore and her trying to be my friend like that was ever going to happen... I remember Chucky finally calling me and that b*tch finding him first and taking him all doped up and driving around trying to keep him away from me and having the balls to ask me for money... OMG I remember on the way home once we finaly got him to come home him telling me that he found a gun had it pointed to his head and he was about to kill himself because he hated what he was doing to his life and all that he thought about was me and that he couldnt do that to me.

Forward to 2009 I tried many times to have a baby but the medicine they put me on made me gain a lot of weight, I then decided to try invitro and it made it even worse. I decided to stop because I just couldn't stand the rejection every month when I took a test and it would say negative and then the next week aunt Flo would come...

On our 7th wedding anniversary his brother had to come into town to renew his passport (because their mom got it in their heads that they needed it right away) also to see Chucky and that is when Chucky decided to start smoking pot with him, I am so glad that was all it was but still upset to have found this out. The only reason I found out was because he called me while I was at work and he was so drunk he forgot to hang the phone up and I heard what him and his brother were saying... I rushed home from work to confront him and he didn't come home for hours, I was so scared that this was a repeat of what happened.. I waited hours and hours for him to come home and when he finally did we got into a huge argument that lasted so many hours... I told him his brother is no longer allowed in our house until he is grown up and married. I will not have this ever happen to me again....

Because of all the things that has happened to me in my life I went to the doctor on my last hope to see if they had something to help me deal with what I have gone thru. The doctor had a rating system and they said I was majorly depressed and I had severe Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.. I didn't realize how bad it was but it all make sense with all that I have gone thru, and the sad thing is this is just a summery. I am now on a medication and it is making life a lot better, I just have to make sure I make sure I make time to get the refills and after this New Year I am going to go start to see a therapist to help me with these issues...

My plan for writing in this blog is for me to be able to get things off of my chest and for me to help myself in check. I am really wanting to loose weight this year. I do NOT want to be 30 and not have any children. So with every ones help and prayers I plan on starting my journey.

WISH ME LUCK!!